I have currently been in South America for a week now and the only word I can use to describe it is majestic! It is so easy to find beauty in the smallest things here and I absolutely love that! However I was blind to all of my surroundings until earlier today. Some of my teammates and I went on a run around our little town of Los Andes about an hour before sunset. The whole time I was running (or basically speed walking) all I could think of was how hard this trip has been so far, and then the thoughts of not being in the right place started to flood my head. The sad thing is that wasn’t the first time I had had those thoughts. A few days ago I found out I would be teaching English in one of the schools nearby, however, all I had done so far was sit in the back of the class for hours on end. To top everything off it’s so cold here! The phrase “I’m living in an ice box” really is not an exaggeration. Needless to say I had really been struggling these past few days and really feeling out of place.
Today on my run I realized how negative I’ve been about this entire experience and I stopped running immediately. It had suddenly become so clear to me that I was taking my short amount of time in Chile for granted, like crazy for granted. I took out my phone and began playing Kari Job’s Spanish album and started praying. I prayed that God would open my eyes because I was blind and I suddenly realized it. I opened my eyes and the view was unlike anything I have ever seen in my entire life! I continued on my walk and began to notice the little things in my surrounding like the graffiti that decorated the walls, or the way the top of the snow covered mountains blended Into the clouds. Everything was so majestic and magnificent and I couldn’t help but stop to marvel. As I began my walk home all I could think about was how I needed to talk with my teammate Meredith immediately and tell her everything I had just experienced.
I burst through the doors of the church eager to find her and tell her everything but I felt like we needed to go away from the rest of the team. She suggested a walk and off we went. We walked around the town until we arrived at a lookout spot. The sun was so close to setting but we still managed to get some great pictures 🙂 We stood absolutely speechless in awe of his creation. Suddenly I felt the need to pray so we began praying for the family we are staying with and the church they are starting and the opportunities we will have and so much more. I was finally feeling the Lord moving in my life again which was a relief because it felt like it had been so long.
As we continued our conversation I felt the Lord telling me It was time to get rid of all the guilt I had been hanging onto for years. I told Meredith I needed her to pray for me and she did but I still felt it. She continued the prayer and nothing was changing in my heart of the way I felt. In fact my guilt and embarrassment felt heavier on my shoulders than it ever had. When she finished I began to pray. I asked the Lord to forgive me for looking for love and attention through guys. I asked him to forgive and heal me for my sexual impurities such as my addiction to porn that I’ve secretly had since 8th grade, the photographs of my body that I’ve felt no remorse sending just looking for attention, the situations where I have had the oppurtunity to walk away from sinning but haven’t because I was having too much fun. I asked him to break every chain of shame and to take away my embarrassment and to create in me a new heart. I prayed that he would take away the weight that I had secretly been carrying for years now and literally make me a new person. I apologized for living a double life and for doing things in secret. I asked him to give me a hunger to serve his people and that I can wake up every day here in Chile eager to be a light to his people.
As I continued to pray I still felt the weight getting heavier and heavier on me. It literally felt like it was crushing mg body!! Meredith began to pray outloud with me. I continued confessing and asking God to heal me from the inside out. I literally said during my prayer that I could feel the weight heavier than ever before and that’s when Meredith stood up and began wiping my shoulders with her hands. As I was praying the one word I didn’t want to say out loud was “porn” because I was embarrassed but Meredith was praying with me and could literally feel the spiritual warfare that was happening. She told me I needed to say whatever it was that was on my heart in order to be set free From it. I told her I was sorry and began sobbing and finally for the first time outloud said the words “I’m sorry for how porn has consumed my life!” She wiped my shoulders 3 times and suddenly the weight was gone. I cried ever harder because for the first time in 4 years I no longer had the shame on my shoulders. Everything was out in the open! My secret life wasn’t secret anymore and praise God for that.
Tonight I sat on a little bench in Los Andes Chile and gave God my life back. I told him that he is in control of my decisions and my actions. I for the last time gave him my struggles and addictions and told him that I don’t want to live a secret life anymore.
Tonight on a little bench watching the Sunset over the Andes mountains the God of the universe spoke to me!!
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